nyaforg's abode

10/5/2024

its a saturday morning and i'm sitting with my coffee before i have to go to work. about 35 minutes remaining, but i have this intense anxiety in my chest. like a deep-seated fear, but of what? i can try to put words to it but its just grasping at shadows.. whatever i do come up with just doesn't feel right. this fear is nebulous and somehow thats worse than if i could just figure out what it is i'm scared or anxious about. i find myself staring into the middle distance a bunch. i know that today will be fine, i'll go to work, do some hands on things that are good for my brain (i work at a print shop) and then i'll come home to my family. i'll park today, i was thinking about it a bit too much so i should give myself the break. i say this as i haven't ridden my bike into work even once this week, and i feel bad about that, shameful really. i'm trying to be more kind to myself but it's hard. anxiety means no matter what i always have a million reasons why i shouldn't do something that would transparently be good for me and it's never easy to sort through them and find the ones that are legitimate and the ones that are completely irrational. maybe they're all irrational? it's hard to tell. the physical exercise is good for me when i ride my bike, and i love riding my bike, its fun, thrilling. i just don't have it in me this week, my depression has got the better of me at least for now, but...

that's okay.

i'll drive into work today, eat some of the food that is thankfully available to us at no cost

and i will be okay.

#anxiety #depression #journal #mental health