I Feel Like Andy Warhol
C O N T E N T
W A R N I N G
Sexual Assault , Violence , Death Threats
please read at your own discretion.
I Feel Like Andy Warhol
Specifically after he was shot by Valerie Solanas.
I've always had a hard time connecting with people. making friends never came natural to me. It's not a unique experience at all, but still it's one that has always been particularly present in the way i go through life. as a child I had few friends, good ones though. Now that I look back on that time in my life, I don't think I'd change anything about it in that regard. Getting older, even if I'm only in my mid-late twenties I find myself becoming more comfortable with the fact that I'm introverted;
but the title of this wouldn't make any sense if this was where these feelings ended.
2020 was a hard time, on everyone. Recollecting how difficult it was to work during that time and move through life is redundant at this point, we were all there and we all know how much it sucked. However, the majority of my trauma from that time has nothing to do with the pandemic. Perhaps these events wouldn't have happened without the pandemic, but either way, the years following have left me feeling more isolationist than at any other point in my life thusfar.
Perhaps this is lacking prose or creativity so far and it might not get any better as I continue to elaborate on these topics, it's difficult to find creativity in these lows.
The first occurance was in june of 2020, something I addressed in a previous writing of mine, "unmaking and regrowth". I attempted to approach the subject in an optimistic light then, but today I will be more blunt. I had recently made a friend online, where I make the vast majority of my friends. This one was located near me, as I was on a bit of a Tinder kick. I met a few good friends but this was not one of them.. It all feels so cruel in retrospect; we got on well, shared interests in hobbies, were able to confide in one another about current events, just to have it all stolen in the span of 24 hours. My friends know that I'm a bit of a flirt, okay maybe a certified flirt. I'm poly and I own that shit. Suffice to say, I was definitely flirting with this friend leading up to the breaking point. However, it was 2020. We had tossed around the idea of having sex when she came over but ultimately, after talking with my fiancees, decided that with the state of things at the time that it'd be a bad idea, that we should just hang out, watch movies, play games, have dinner; a comfy hangout with a good friend.
Things started as such, we played some video games, One of my partners made their signature stew and we picked up some particularly nice bread for the occasion. Everything about this sounds like it's going well, and I convinced myself it was! at least for a while.. While dinner is on the stove, the friend and I are playing video games in my room and things are okay, i ask if we can cuddle, but that's all i wanted was to cuddle. Almost immediately, her hands roam in a way that betrays any definition of the aforementioned action. She pleads with me,
"can i just kiss it?"
Im not immune to pretty women so sure, i was a bit flushed but i stood my ground.
"no, we really shouldn't, its not safe with the virus going around"
Throughout the night, these advances just kept coming. I continued to shoot them down but i don't know, she just wouldn't accept my answer i guess?
Eventually, dinner was ready and we sat with my two fiancees and watched parts unknown with Anthony Bourdain, a great comfort show to watch with a great comfort meal. Only, at that moment, nothing was comfortable. My friend ate her food in absolute silence; my partners tried to make conversation but she'd only give one word answers. I understand being shy around new company, but something was.. off.
We end up going back to play more video games and the advances keep coming. There are moments where we genuinely do just play video games for a bit but every so often things would get uncomfortably sexual.
Now it's time for bed, and this is where I blame myself more than any other part of the night. I know it's not right or healthy or productive to blame myself but god damnit, I do. It's so fucking difficult to not. We set up our folding couch into a mattress and I usually sleep naked, but I kept my panties on this time so I told myself that somehow, this wasn't breaking any boundaries. My partners were going to bed in the bedroom like usual and I tried my best to get some shut eye next to my friend.
I just wanted to get some fucking sleep. All fucking night she kept grinding against me, I froze. I didn't reciprocate at all and I hoped that'd be enough to tell her that i'm tired and I want to sleep. At one point, I went to grab one of my stuffed animals for comfort, my partners questioned where my clothes went and I dismissed their concerns with "oh we're just going to bed, it's difficult to sleep with my clothes on". I might have gotten some amount of sleep that night, but genuinely, she did not stop grinding against me for the whole fucking night. I'd told her no over and over again, surely she'd just stop sooner or later, right? she had to get the memo eventually, i mean what about a frozen unmoving body communicates that the person attached has any want to be physically intimate with you?!
Some weeks passed; ever since that night, i began sleeping with my clothes on, something about that experience made it so i could not have anyone touching my bare skin while i slept. Thank god, i was in therapy and aftnr maybe a few months, she eventually says those awful words, my deepest fears were realized. "It sounds like you were sexually assaulted", my therapist tells me. I forget how i responded or if i did at all, but those words resonate in my head even today. some time, not too much later, my fiancees sit me down, they're obviously concerned that i suddenly am not going to bed as i normally do, that my behavior has changed so suddenly. Then those horrible words leave my own mouth.
I know that legally this isn't "rape", but fuck legal definitions. I was raped. I do have moments, often, where I realize that my experience was extremely tame compared to the horrors that so many other people endure, and my heart goes out to them. I have struggled with this single experience and I can't imagine what it's like to go through something more horrific. But I was raped. This "friend" reached through time and stole years of my life from me. I was changed.
Thankfully, it's not all misery and sorrow. It's been four years and these days I'm mostly back to my normal self, things have changed about me, I'm very much gray-ace now, but most of the time, i feel safe, at least in that regard.
Now it's 2021, I recently started a job at Whole Foods after leaving my previous job for what was a $4/hr raise. Sure only to $15/hr, but this was significant for me and my fiancees. To be honest, aside from the paycheck, i fucking hated that place. It was awful, but it was doable. I had good co-workers and that made it worth it. Or at least it did until that night, sometime in November I think.. Everything is going like it always does and then I go to help a customer with their amazon prime account and instead of the usual home-screen of the amazon app that people are usually stuck at, their phone is on an empty search page. A bit confusing, but whatever. only, it's what was in the search bar. he hadn't pressed enter to search but in the search bar was written,
"i will stab you"
I couldn't comprehend what was happening, I was on auto-pilot at this point. I guess i'm not that functional when stressful events are happening, but for some reason, I help him find the QR code as i normally do, and when the little red light at his self-checkout station goes off signifying that something is wrong, My dumbass goes to help him a second time. Sure i was a little on edge, but like i said, it hadn't sunk in. Not until he leaves and I walk myself in a daze to the little cubicle that we call a manager area and lean on the counter looking downward at nothing, trying not to look like anything is wrong. A coworker that I'm on friendly terms with comes by and I thankfully feel comfortable enough to spout out
"someone just threatened to stab me"
I have to repeat myself, cuz of course this isn't something you normally hear from a coworker at a retail job. She asks if i'm okay and i say i dont know. Bless her heart, she drove me to my car every night that we worked together. my car wasn't 200 feet from the entrance to the store, but she was there for me and i fucking appreciate that.
The next day, I talk to the lead manager about it, and she just shrugs and gives me that look that says "okay what do u want me to do about it?" I call the police and file a report after my manager refuses to give me any guidance through this. Finding no comfort in that manager, I move to upper management, maybe they'll be more receptive? of course not, it took two months for me to observe the footage from that night under supervision. one of the higher-up managers finally understood the severity of the situation and did everything she could to help me. everyone else was useless, my concerns were met by them with a frown and a "sorry that happened to you" and nothing else. I needed help. I don't know how i stayed there for three more months, i really don't. Eventually, after coming home sobbing every night because I am fearing for my life every moment at work while i'm bagging fucking groceries, my fiancees sit me down and tell me straight that i am going to quit. I'm thankful to them for holding me in this way when i needed it.
I know I've really lost the plot in terms of grammatical accuracy and anything resembling good authorial flow at this point, but I don't wanna edit this, i'm just trying to get these feelings *out*. it you're still reading, thank you.
I left that job for CVS, it was a welcome moment of reprieve for a while, I got a good 7 months of peace. Then some other asshole decided I was to be his newest target or something. He comes in one day, tells me that i apparently owe his dad an apology because 2 years prior, i had asked his dad to pull his mask over his nose? it was stupid as fuck, but he somehow knew it was me? it was weird and uncomfortable. he came in a day or two later, asking if our cameras recorded 24 hours or just until the store closed. he knew i worked the closing shift and he was not subtle about it. maybe i'm paranoid but the only explanation i could find is that he saw a tranny that inconvenienced his dad once, so for that reason he wanted me to hurt, or at least fear for my safety, as if i didn't already after the asshole from whole foods..
i stick around a good 6 months or so after this incident happens, then one day i break down and quit one morning, calling the store in tears saying "i cant do this anymore". dramatic as fuck, i know, but i couldn't go to work and worry about some asshat possibly physically harming me every single fucking day. of course i mentioned the incident to management and of course all they said was "well if he does something then we can step in". HE ALREADY DID SOME SHIT WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?!
Some weeks pass and i find myself flipping burgers at mcdonalds. it sucks, but its better than fearing for my life, but then after some time i realize that the asshole from cvs is a regular at this particular mcdonalds location. sometimes he'd just show up right behind me as i was filling up my cup with soda. management here was at least a little more understanding but i ended up leaving after 5 months or so for several reasons, but fearing for my safety was chief among them, again.
Anyways.. hoo boi. divulging those details is never fun and it always leaves me a little short of breath. The point of all of that incoherent rambling was so say, I'm scared of people. I'm scared of people when they haven't given me any reason to be scared of them. I know, logically, that I should go out and see people more, that I shouldn't let all of my social interactions exist within the confines of work; which on that note, I finally have a job where I feel safe! It's fuckin nice! It's all too easy for me to end this with a note of "see? i'm too scared to socialize! see? it's all justified!". and, yea i do think it is partially justified. but no one is meant to live in their own shell to this degree. i need to open up to people, in real life and not exclusively through the safety of discord chats. I need to allow myself to lean on those who care about me. It's just so fucking difficult to allow myself those vulnerabilities. That's not to say I won't ever allow myself but I'm trying. I'm trying and I'll continue to do so.
I owe it to myself and to my loved ones to keep living, to keep working on myself; and just as importantly, so do you, dear reader. Please, take care of yourself. Remember to eat, take your meds if you have them. Allow yourself to slow down and appreciate life. Take breaks when you're not well; mentally or physically. It's all too easy to get chewed up by the toil of daily life.
Please, be good to you.