Old Tools
its been two, maybe three years since i was last in therapy. in that time, i was stalked by a creep across two jobs, then my best friend, izziah died. when izziah passed, i knew i definitely needed therapy and soon, it was just that insurance was up in the air and i didnt want to wait a year to talk about my feelings; so i just didnt seek out a therapist. i'd looked at pyschology today's lists a couple times and told myself that was enough. i told myself that i'd already developed the tools i need while i was in therapy. as i sat in this funk, eventually i even told myself that actually, therapy is classist and most people cant afford it so i probably don't need it anyways, it's just for rich people.
that last thought was one that was very uncharacteristic of me, but i held onto this jaded idea and it festered. through this caustic idea and the addition of the state of things™, my plate was pretty full and slowly over time, i lost my ability to keep it all together in the comparatively neat way i usually can.
its hard, i've not been myself consistently, my emotions have been pouring out recklessly; its like the tools i've been using lost efficacy. im tightening the bolts to hold things together but the bit is just spinning in a long socket. i'm in the thick of it trying to fix things like i usually do but im going nowhere. the old tools dont work and its time to admit to myself that i need help to develop new tools for the new situations i find myself in.