that almost violet sea
the disabling reality of depression is one that's uncomfortable, embarrassing and humiliating. sure, we've made progress over the years; when we apply to jobs, we can disclose depression or other mental illnesses as a disability to our employer but in other ways at least for me, i still feel socially ostracized sometimes..
this morning, i had the day off or so i thought. i woke up to my boss apologetically calling me saying that the schedule that was posted was out of date and that actually, i was scheduled to work today. in a half asleep haze, i quickly reassured him that i'd be in within an hour or two. and i believed it when i said it but then i went to lay back down and the wave was in view.
it washed over me leaving me staring at the ceiling. purple, blue and black waves of dread, of frustration and exhaustion. the air felt thick with malaise. next to me laid my partner, sympathizing with me and offering themselves as a rock to steady myself, even if they too were moved by the torrent, together we were able to hold steady in ways not possible were i on my own.
i told my partner that i'd get up in a minute, this time wanting to believe the words that came out of my mouth while deep down i knew they were false. i stared at the ceiling, i held on to my partner, i stared at the ceiling and seconds felt as days.
after maybe a month, more likely a small handful of minutes, i caved. said i can't do this. i sheepishly messaged my boss, apologizing and hoping to climb out of the almost violet sea, too afeared to speak the words and only barely able to write them.
tomorrow i stand, today i wallow; the uneasiness of my condition will follow.