vertical waters
i find myself in a darkness like what becomes of one's vision once a thousand meters below the surface of an ocean. conscious that yes, light exists if i travel up; that yes, it's a long way to go. it'll require strength i'm not sure i presently possess. indecision becomes decision, becomes uncertainty again. tired. more than tired. not sure a word exists to describe it, maybe a combined song of a whale with the deepest yawn could be a start. as i think about what i'll do, i sink a little further down.
alarm clock blaring. this is usually when the character jumps out of bed, brushes their teeth, runs to work but in my case i'm turning off my alarm, blankly staring at both my clock and the middle distance and trying to figure out if i have any paid sick time. i don't. i sink a little further down.
thirty minutes pass and it's too late to call off so i lift myself up and prepare the essentials for the day: meds, water, clothes. somehow thirty more minutes have passed. i get in my car, knowing that despite my half-hearted efforts i'll be late again, and i sink a little further down.
clocking in now, the ambient chatter of the workplace forms one cohesive unintelligible garble. scattered amongst moments where the voices are separable, i feel small crumbles drop from the mask i've built to get through that near daily endeavour which is necessary to eat and have shelter.
a brief period of respite. planning to rest and eat, my internal monologue has other plans. by the end of it i'm exhausted, somehow more than previously. i pick up, to get through that near daily endeavour which is necessary to eat and have shelter.
time happens, i clock out. i try to peer through the darkness of the ocean. i drive home, and i float.
i rest, i sleep, i wake, i sleep, at last i eat and then, when it is morning by some counts, i sleep. in so doing, my relaxation lets me float higher, in brief moments of lucidity i can see the faintest glimmer of light at the end of these vertical waters. when i wake it is clearer. nearer. i think i might reach it when that familiar cacophony intrudes once again. wincing and distracted, i sink a little further down.